This was the #1 mental illness that I'd ever suffered from, Heavy depression.
It all began in the beginning of the six:th year of compulsory-school. I started to feel ugly, fat and un-loveable. So slowly, my mind started to darken. I didn't understand that I suffered from a mental illness until later on, when I'd already been cured. I've never been to a shrink, which means that I've been forced to deal with this kind of stuff all alone (Until BabyFace appeared). About a month before my thirteen:th birthday, under the summer vacation, I really don't know why, but I started to feel more lively, as if the sun'd affected me in some stange way... (What really makes this weird is that I don't like sunshine at all, I'm more of a night person)... So I got over it all... That's what I thought at least... In reality this was only the beginning of my mizerable life story. So stay tooned for the next part of "my mental history".
Ehehee... I just had to write that...
Monday, 22 December 2008
Withers.
Let me tell you a story about an 6.years old girl who lost her best friend and her life at the same moment.
It was a cold fall morning, the sun was shining. When the little girl woke up, she glanced through the window and smiled for herself, the weather was perfect. Just as she liked it.
She dressed herself up and walked down while counting the sixteen steps on the stairs, into the kitchen where normally her mother would be waiting with a smile on her face, only this morning she was talking to someone on the phone with a worried expression. After she'd finished the call, she turned around with an almost crying face, and said "your grandmother has gone missing". The girl stood there, her smile had dissapered the moment mother said those words "has gone missing" what did she mean? she couldn't understand anything, without a word she walked into the livingroom and laid dow on the couch. Her body felt numb, emotinless... She couldn't feel anything else than the emptiness that had washed over her... Without understanding it, tears began to roll down her cheeks. There she laid, without feeling anything but hollow inside, crying without an sad expression on her face. Just like a doll. No matter how much her mom tried to comfort her and tell her that the police would find grandma', the girl just didn't smile. One late evening when she was lying in her bed, all the sad faces of the people around her started to shimmer through her mind. That's when she spoke the words "I will never laugh again without you. Even if I laugh, it will never be for real. I will never love again if it's not you. Even if I love, it will never be for real. Everytime I laugh or love, it will only be for you". The next morning she acted as if nobody had gone missing, wearing a fake smile, using a fake laugh, she notised that she could linder the other ones pain, while hiding her own.
The girl had lost the one person in the whole world who believed in and understood her. Her life fell apart without anybody else knowing about it. And yet, even today, she keeps on smiling to everyone, trying to make them happy, making them think she's all right, even though inside she's wandering around in a dark melancholy place, with no escape.
About a half year after the dissapearing her grandmother was found frozen to death in the woods near her present school.
She really is good at pretending to be nice. The only reason why she told me this whole story was because she wanted me to trust her with my thoughts and life stories. She wanted me to open up so that she could analyze my behaviour and find out why I'm mentally disordered. Even though this was her motive, I'm really glad that she opened up for me, even if it was only a slight glimpse, I think I was able to see the real person hiding behind the shell.
When I think about it, she never really tell anybody anything about herself...I mean, sure I bet everybody knows what her parents names is and how many siblings she has. Or how her grandmother died and what her thoughts about immature guys and politics are. But I don't think that anyone knows her real "me" inside of her... How she really feels and thinks, is propably a total mystery for everybody.
You propably wonder why I'm the one telling the story... Well I can't sleep, so I just felt like writing something and this was the first thing that came up my mind. And also she's a very interesting person, so it's much more fun to try figure out her motives through writing everything down and reviewing the text. Hmm.. What should I write about next...
It was a cold fall morning, the sun was shining. When the little girl woke up, she glanced through the window and smiled for herself, the weather was perfect. Just as she liked it.
She dressed herself up and walked down while counting the sixteen steps on the stairs, into the kitchen where normally her mother would be waiting with a smile on her face, only this morning she was talking to someone on the phone with a worried expression. After she'd finished the call, she turned around with an almost crying face, and said "your grandmother has gone missing". The girl stood there, her smile had dissapered the moment mother said those words "has gone missing" what did she mean? she couldn't understand anything, without a word she walked into the livingroom and laid dow on the couch. Her body felt numb, emotinless... She couldn't feel anything else than the emptiness that had washed over her... Without understanding it, tears began to roll down her cheeks. There she laid, without feeling anything but hollow inside, crying without an sad expression on her face. Just like a doll. No matter how much her mom tried to comfort her and tell her that the police would find grandma', the girl just didn't smile. One late evening when she was lying in her bed, all the sad faces of the people around her started to shimmer through her mind. That's when she spoke the words "I will never laugh again without you. Even if I laugh, it will never be for real. I will never love again if it's not you. Even if I love, it will never be for real. Everytime I laugh or love, it will only be for you". The next morning she acted as if nobody had gone missing, wearing a fake smile, using a fake laugh, she notised that she could linder the other ones pain, while hiding her own.
The girl had lost the one person in the whole world who believed in and understood her. Her life fell apart without anybody else knowing about it. And yet, even today, she keeps on smiling to everyone, trying to make them happy, making them think she's all right, even though inside she's wandering around in a dark melancholy place, with no escape.
About a half year after the dissapearing her grandmother was found frozen to death in the woods near her present school.
She really is good at pretending to be nice. The only reason why she told me this whole story was because she wanted me to trust her with my thoughts and life stories. She wanted me to open up so that she could analyze my behaviour and find out why I'm mentally disordered. Even though this was her motive, I'm really glad that she opened up for me, even if it was only a slight glimpse, I think I was able to see the real person hiding behind the shell.
When I think about it, she never really tell anybody anything about herself...I mean, sure I bet everybody knows what her parents names is and how many siblings she has. Or how her grandmother died and what her thoughts about immature guys and politics are. But I don't think that anyone knows her real "me" inside of her... How she really feels and thinks, is propably a total mystery for everybody.
You propably wonder why I'm the one telling the story... Well I can't sleep, so I just felt like writing something and this was the first thing that came up my mind. And also she's a very interesting person, so it's much more fun to try figure out her motives through writing everything down and reviewing the text. Hmm.. What should I write about next...
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Yo.
Yo, people.
This time I'm going to keep it short. So I'll go straight to the point. I've got an announcement to make! From this day on, Domino won't be Domino anymore! She gets pissed at me every time I call her that... hihi... ya' know the way the cool people in mangas get angry.. they don't show it but you still can see the veins on the temple.^w^''
Because she dosn't want to be named after a cookie... that tastes really good though... So her new name is.... Tadadadaa! Baby Face ! Fufufuu.. >:3 She told me that anything else'd be better than Domino ¨w¨ Well now I'm off! C-ya~
This time I'm going to keep it short. So I'll go straight to the point. I've got an announcement to make! From this day on, Domino won't be Domino anymore! She gets pissed at me every time I call her that... hihi... ya' know the way the cool people in mangas get angry.. they don't show it but you still can see the veins on the temple.^w^''
Because she dosn't want to be named after a cookie... that tastes really good though... So her new name is.... Tadadadaa! Baby Face ! Fufufuu.. >:3 She told me that anything else'd be better than Domino ¨w¨ Well now I'm off! C-ya~
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