This was the #1 mental illness that I'd ever suffered from, Heavy depression.
It all began in the beginning of the six:th year of compulsory-school. I started to feel ugly, fat and un-loveable. So slowly, my mind started to darken. I didn't understand that I suffered from a mental illness until later on, when I'd already been cured. I've never been to a shrink, which means that I've been forced to deal with this kind of stuff all alone (Until BabyFace appeared). About a month before my thirteen:th birthday, under the summer vacation, I really don't know why, but I started to feel more lively, as if the sun'd affected me in some stange way... (What really makes this weird is that I don't like sunshine at all, I'm more of a night person)... So I got over it all... That's what I thought at least... In reality this was only the beginning of my mizerable life story. So stay tooned for the next part of "my mental history".
Ehehee... I just had to write that...
Monday, 22 December 2008
Withers.
Let me tell you a story about an 6.years old girl who lost her best friend and her life at the same moment.
It was a cold fall morning, the sun was shining. When the little girl woke up, she glanced through the window and smiled for herself, the weather was perfect. Just as she liked it.
She dressed herself up and walked down while counting the sixteen steps on the stairs, into the kitchen where normally her mother would be waiting with a smile on her face, only this morning she was talking to someone on the phone with a worried expression. After she'd finished the call, she turned around with an almost crying face, and said "your grandmother has gone missing". The girl stood there, her smile had dissapered the moment mother said those words "has gone missing" what did she mean? she couldn't understand anything, without a word she walked into the livingroom and laid dow on the couch. Her body felt numb, emotinless... She couldn't feel anything else than the emptiness that had washed over her... Without understanding it, tears began to roll down her cheeks. There she laid, without feeling anything but hollow inside, crying without an sad expression on her face. Just like a doll. No matter how much her mom tried to comfort her and tell her that the police would find grandma', the girl just didn't smile. One late evening when she was lying in her bed, all the sad faces of the people around her started to shimmer through her mind. That's when she spoke the words "I will never laugh again without you. Even if I laugh, it will never be for real. I will never love again if it's not you. Even if I love, it will never be for real. Everytime I laugh or love, it will only be for you". The next morning she acted as if nobody had gone missing, wearing a fake smile, using a fake laugh, she notised that she could linder the other ones pain, while hiding her own.
The girl had lost the one person in the whole world who believed in and understood her. Her life fell apart without anybody else knowing about it. And yet, even today, she keeps on smiling to everyone, trying to make them happy, making them think she's all right, even though inside she's wandering around in a dark melancholy place, with no escape.
About a half year after the dissapearing her grandmother was found frozen to death in the woods near her present school.
She really is good at pretending to be nice. The only reason why she told me this whole story was because she wanted me to trust her with my thoughts and life stories. She wanted me to open up so that she could analyze my behaviour and find out why I'm mentally disordered. Even though this was her motive, I'm really glad that she opened up for me, even if it was only a slight glimpse, I think I was able to see the real person hiding behind the shell.
When I think about it, she never really tell anybody anything about herself...I mean, sure I bet everybody knows what her parents names is and how many siblings she has. Or how her grandmother died and what her thoughts about immature guys and politics are. But I don't think that anyone knows her real "me" inside of her... How she really feels and thinks, is propably a total mystery for everybody.
You propably wonder why I'm the one telling the story... Well I can't sleep, so I just felt like writing something and this was the first thing that came up my mind. And also she's a very interesting person, so it's much more fun to try figure out her motives through writing everything down and reviewing the text. Hmm.. What should I write about next...
It was a cold fall morning, the sun was shining. When the little girl woke up, she glanced through the window and smiled for herself, the weather was perfect. Just as she liked it.
She dressed herself up and walked down while counting the sixteen steps on the stairs, into the kitchen where normally her mother would be waiting with a smile on her face, only this morning she was talking to someone on the phone with a worried expression. After she'd finished the call, she turned around with an almost crying face, and said "your grandmother has gone missing". The girl stood there, her smile had dissapered the moment mother said those words "has gone missing" what did she mean? she couldn't understand anything, without a word she walked into the livingroom and laid dow on the couch. Her body felt numb, emotinless... She couldn't feel anything else than the emptiness that had washed over her... Without understanding it, tears began to roll down her cheeks. There she laid, without feeling anything but hollow inside, crying without an sad expression on her face. Just like a doll. No matter how much her mom tried to comfort her and tell her that the police would find grandma', the girl just didn't smile. One late evening when she was lying in her bed, all the sad faces of the people around her started to shimmer through her mind. That's when she spoke the words "I will never laugh again without you. Even if I laugh, it will never be for real. I will never love again if it's not you. Even if I love, it will never be for real. Everytime I laugh or love, it will only be for you". The next morning she acted as if nobody had gone missing, wearing a fake smile, using a fake laugh, she notised that she could linder the other ones pain, while hiding her own.
The girl had lost the one person in the whole world who believed in and understood her. Her life fell apart without anybody else knowing about it. And yet, even today, she keeps on smiling to everyone, trying to make them happy, making them think she's all right, even though inside she's wandering around in a dark melancholy place, with no escape.
About a half year after the dissapearing her grandmother was found frozen to death in the woods near her present school.
She really is good at pretending to be nice. The only reason why she told me this whole story was because she wanted me to trust her with my thoughts and life stories. She wanted me to open up so that she could analyze my behaviour and find out why I'm mentally disordered. Even though this was her motive, I'm really glad that she opened up for me, even if it was only a slight glimpse, I think I was able to see the real person hiding behind the shell.
When I think about it, she never really tell anybody anything about herself...I mean, sure I bet everybody knows what her parents names is and how many siblings she has. Or how her grandmother died and what her thoughts about immature guys and politics are. But I don't think that anyone knows her real "me" inside of her... How she really feels and thinks, is propably a total mystery for everybody.
You propably wonder why I'm the one telling the story... Well I can't sleep, so I just felt like writing something and this was the first thing that came up my mind. And also she's a very interesting person, so it's much more fun to try figure out her motives through writing everything down and reviewing the text. Hmm.. What should I write about next...
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Yo.
Yo, people.
This time I'm going to keep it short. So I'll go straight to the point. I've got an announcement to make! From this day on, Domino won't be Domino anymore! She gets pissed at me every time I call her that... hihi... ya' know the way the cool people in mangas get angry.. they don't show it but you still can see the veins on the temple.^w^''
Because she dosn't want to be named after a cookie... that tastes really good though... So her new name is.... Tadadadaa! Baby Face ! Fufufuu.. >:3 She told me that anything else'd be better than Domino ¨w¨ Well now I'm off! C-ya~
This time I'm going to keep it short. So I'll go straight to the point. I've got an announcement to make! From this day on, Domino won't be Domino anymore! She gets pissed at me every time I call her that... hihi... ya' know the way the cool people in mangas get angry.. they don't show it but you still can see the veins on the temple.^w^''
Because she dosn't want to be named after a cookie... that tastes really good though... So her new name is.... Tadadadaa! Baby Face ! Fufufuu.. >:3 She told me that anything else'd be better than Domino ¨w¨ Well now I'm off! C-ya~
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Ice cold city..
Every time I put on the tv, I get this nasty urge to eat.. It's really annoying. Wonder what would help against it..?
My friends at school are fighting over a stupid misunderstanding and no one has the guts to put a end to it.. at least no one else than me. I bet right now you're thinking 'Why don't you do it then? are you stupid or something?'. To be honest, to see them fight over some stupid things brings me joy. In some sick twisted way I really enjoy seeing them hurt eachother. Idiots. I called Domino this morning, I think the time was something around.. 04.30 am. And as usually she didn't get angry at me.. not at all.. She acctually sounded really happy to hear me call. She said that 'as a matter of fact' she was going to wake up 05.10 am to read before a important chemistry test, so the early call didn't bother her at all. I told her about the situation at school and how I felt about it, she just laughed at my sadistic point of view and told me that I had a refreching way of looking at things ^-^'' It felt really good to talk to her.. Ya' know, she's a person that doesn't judge you by your actions, but for your words.. yeah...
I've had a Death Note period... again... The last time was 'bout a month ago... I think L-kun's so sweet! He's like my ideal of a man!... Maybe not really.. But a cutie that's what he certainly is.
Tomorrow me and some friends are going to visit a upper secondary school in another town.. this is rather funny.. because Domino has a upper secondary school visit tomorrow to! Unfortunately it's not the same place as I'm going to..
I just stuffed myself full of cookies.. which isn't so good.. because I've tried to stop the vomiting, I've even lost some weight while trying to reduce some of my coercion eating behaviour.. (Acctually.. the try just ended up with me not eating at all for a few days.. but I still lost some weight!.).. So It'd be really sad if I'd fuck it up now.
Well got to go now.. C-ya.
My friends at school are fighting over a stupid misunderstanding and no one has the guts to put a end to it.. at least no one else than me. I bet right now you're thinking 'Why don't you do it then? are you stupid or something?'. To be honest, to see them fight over some stupid things brings me joy. In some sick twisted way I really enjoy seeing them hurt eachother. Idiots. I called Domino this morning, I think the time was something around.. 04.30 am. And as usually she didn't get angry at me.. not at all.. She acctually sounded really happy to hear me call. She said that 'as a matter of fact' she was going to wake up 05.10 am to read before a important chemistry test, so the early call didn't bother her at all. I told her about the situation at school and how I felt about it, she just laughed at my sadistic point of view and told me that I had a refreching way of looking at things ^-^'' It felt really good to talk to her.. Ya' know, she's a person that doesn't judge you by your actions, but for your words.. yeah...
I've had a Death Note period... again... The last time was 'bout a month ago... I think L-kun's so sweet! He's like my ideal of a man!... Maybe not really.. But a cutie that's what he certainly is.
Tomorrow me and some friends are going to visit a upper secondary school in another town.. this is rather funny.. because Domino has a upper secondary school visit tomorrow to! Unfortunately it's not the same place as I'm going to..
I just stuffed myself full of cookies.. which isn't so good.. because I've tried to stop the vomiting, I've even lost some weight while trying to reduce some of my coercion eating behaviour.. (Acctually.. the try just ended up with me not eating at all for a few days.. but I still lost some weight!.).. So It'd be really sad if I'd fuck it up now.
Well got to go now.. C-ya.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Good evening.
Evening, people! I'm feeling wery stuffed right now so I'm not gonna write much, I'll just wait till' the food melts down a bit in my stomach, and pay a wisit in the toilet after that. Today I've been mostly hanging around at the house, sitting at the computer and watching tv. One of my favorite programs called Big in Japan just ended. It's a documentary about two guys named Sebastian and Jens, who's doing a experiment, they're trying to become famous in Japan, in a deadline of just a month. They're acctually doing pretty well. They've almost got a single out on the markets, and they have also performed at a international comedy, tv program, wich went wery well if you ask me, it was so funny! Right now I'm trying to find the site where you can chat with Sebastian in, but damn I can't! :( Eww... now I gotta go to the toilet, can't hold it down anymore.. C-ya!
Saturday, 18 October 2008
Hello!
Hi! My name is Satsuki (it's my nickname). I'm fifteen years old, and I come from Sweden. This is the first blog that I've ever had, so don't be too hard on me! As you can see I'm intending to write all my blog post's in English which isn't my mothers language, so I'll propably make many spelling misstakes, but I think that I'll write good enough to get my opinions through to you.
I acctually got this idea from a wery good friend who's a active blogger, she recommended this to me saying that it's really good therapy, her nickname is Domino ^-^ It's cute isn't it! I was the one who came up with it :) I also call her my theraphist because she always listens to me talking non stop about my problems, wich in this case is mostly mental illnesses. I suffer from eating disorders, partly depressions, stress and stuff like that :/ That's originally the reason why she recommended this to me. Well I'm going to tell you about what my life is like now, what it was like in the past and what I hope it's gonna be like in the future. I really hope that you'll enjoy reading!
By the way, you can find Dominos blogg here: http://kagami-ame.blogspot.com/ read it! After you've read it (wich you will) you'll probably start wondering, why hasn't she mentioned Satsuki-chan in her post's, well that's simply because I've asked her not to. Domino is the far most important person in my life, so i'm gonna tell you little about my "hero"^.^ She's pretty much like me, short, likes martrial-arts, books. Her dream is to become a exchange student in Japan, it's the same for me! And our brains are at the same intelligense level, we understand eachother wery well. Now to the "only about Domino" part. She is a wery good listener who unfortunately has to spill her talent in a "ghetto" school, with a bunch of idiots (most of them is). but somehow she always manages to survive, and the best part of her. No matter what happenes, she's always there for me, if I can't sleep and want to call her in the middle of the night, I can, she won't be bothered even a bit! Fufufuu.. I hope that she won't read the whole way here.. So in the hope of that, I'll tell you something that she doesn't know.. I think that she's wery cute! even if she doesn't admit it! She's always so calm and sinere, and doesn't show much true feelings to anyone, even if they think she does, it's all just a big act. But I've got to admit that her fake smile, it's really good! I bet she's gonna kill me after this post^-^'' fufu... I'll propably tell you a bit more about her, later on with the time, but now I'm going to eat something, and try keep it down. C-ya later!
I acctually got this idea from a wery good friend who's a active blogger, she recommended this to me saying that it's really good therapy, her nickname is Domino ^-^ It's cute isn't it! I was the one who came up with it :) I also call her my theraphist because she always listens to me talking non stop about my problems, wich in this case is mostly mental illnesses. I suffer from eating disorders, partly depressions, stress and stuff like that :/ That's originally the reason why she recommended this to me. Well I'm going to tell you about what my life is like now, what it was like in the past and what I hope it's gonna be like in the future. I really hope that you'll enjoy reading!
By the way, you can find Dominos blogg here: http://kagami-ame.blogspot.com/ read it! After you've read it (wich you will) you'll probably start wondering, why hasn't she mentioned Satsuki-chan in her post's, well that's simply because I've asked her not to. Domino is the far most important person in my life, so i'm gonna tell you little about my "hero"^.^ She's pretty much like me, short, likes martrial-arts, books. Her dream is to become a exchange student in Japan, it's the same for me! And our brains are at the same intelligense level, we understand eachother wery well. Now to the "only about Domino" part. She is a wery good listener who unfortunately has to spill her talent in a "ghetto" school, with a bunch of idiots (most of them is). but somehow she always manages to survive, and the best part of her. No matter what happenes, she's always there for me, if I can't sleep and want to call her in the middle of the night, I can, she won't be bothered even a bit! Fufufuu.. I hope that she won't read the whole way here.. So in the hope of that, I'll tell you something that she doesn't know.. I think that she's wery cute! even if she doesn't admit it! She's always so calm and sinere, and doesn't show much true feelings to anyone, even if they think she does, it's all just a big act. But I've got to admit that her fake smile, it's really good! I bet she's gonna kill me after this post^-^'' fufu... I'll propably tell you a bit more about her, later on with the time, but now I'm going to eat something, and try keep it down. C-ya later!
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