Tardness...?

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! I can't remember anything!.. Just a while ago I went to the bathroom to vomit... After that I had done it, flushed the toilet and raised (straight up)... I looked into the mirror and felt how the world began swaying... I could see how my pupils had enlargened... The last thing I remember is the thought "I have to unlock the bathroom door, just in case if I would faint"... That's where it all becomes dark... When I regained my consciousness, I was laying on the small bathroom floor... I couldn't remember how I got there... I think I dreamt of a little girl who was playing tag, while I was gone... When I raised up once again and looked into the mirror... My face was pale as a sheet and I could feel a wet spot right on the right inner thigh... Don't get me wrong. I don't think I managed to wash my hands before I fainted (so the wet spot was puke -.-). At a closer look into the mirror I notised a red spot on my forhead, it's where my hairline begins... And also that my neck hurts like hell... So if you put one on one... I propably fell down and hit my forhead on the sink brink... with my luck I wouldn't be surprised if I'd hit the back of my neck on the toilet seat... (yes. Our toilet is very small, that's why I was laying in an infant position when I woke up.) I don't really know why this happened... maybe I was pushing too hard while vomiting... Or was it just the long train ride that had gotten to me? Well that's something we'll never know. Now I'm off. The Skins episodes are waiting.
//Not me. ~

Imaginationary cirkle of... ?

It's been a long time, long long time, since I've seen you smile... Loneliness huh... It's true that handeling solitude is pretty hard.. Especially if it's created by your "friends"... Fuck, it hurts.. I'm having my monthly periods right now... and God it's so painful.. I wonder what you've been doing... Walpurgis for me was awful, I felt so crappy by the bare thought of sausages that I locked myself into my room and stayed there for the whole evening.. Not that anybody did mind that I was alone and cold.. I hate people... I really hate people who don't care for others.. People you usually end up calling "friends" or "family". They're not worth it... Even if you think so, they are not worth anything. I feel so tired... So tired of all this crap... I want to have candy, so that I can stuff myself full of it and then vomit it out, just like your favourite artist Kyo Niimura... His pain is so beautiful... I wish I could express my suffering as elegantly as he does... I wish that people would accept my sorrow and see it as a pretty thing instead of a disorder as they've done for him... Will that ever happen?

Anxiety

I just got off the phone.
I called BouPou (her new nickname XP)... We were talking... Or acctually I was complaining about all kinds of stuff, when I asked her how she was doing, that's when it came... the brakedown I had been waiting for. She suddenly burst to tears... She cried out that she couldn't take it anymore 'It's all too much...I want to give up... I can't take this anymore... I just can't... No more..' is what she said. I tried to calm her down but without any results... This was the first time that she'd shown me any kind of true humane feelings. I guess it was the letter she's supposed to write in Japanese that set her off... Fuck. Isn't it wrong to suddenly just come up with 'Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that you have to write a letter in Japanese, and turn it in, in a periode of two weeks' freaking bitch how does the hag think that shell be able to do that when she even can't speak Japanese >:l I'd soo want to rip her ugly ass head off.
Well now I've gotta go. Cya later.

Just Shit

I met her yesterday at her cousines place.. She hasn't changed much... apart from the fact that she has a perfect poker face now, she didn't look a single bit sad or depressed when she was talking to her cousine. But mentally she's still the same. She told me that everything had became so tiring, all the stuff with the exchange thing too. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd have a nervous brakedown soon... Seriously the state she's in is a bit worrying. Her face looked so empty when she read through her schedule, I mean no wonder that she can't handle it anymore : 3 homework assignements, a test in English and mathmatics to Monday (she'll come home Sunday around 10pm). her mum´s birthday which she has to get a birthday present and bake a cake for, and the next vaccination - 24th. Then the dentist and after that three more vaccinations. The trip to Germany, which she doesn't know anything about (the family she'll live in etc.). Kitacon, the upcoming Explorius meeting that is in Stockholm in May... And then that fucking letter that has to be done in a week or so... Really it's solemn time for her to take a break... But she can't do that... because of the damn school that she has to attend to every day... I really hope that she'll be abel to leave that horrible place she's living in right now... Now when she needs it more than ever before... let's keep our fingers crossed and wish for her fortune to come and take her to Japan... If she wouldn't get a family there, i'm pretty sure that she wouldn't take it lightly... Maybe in the worst case she'd quit going to school, move to a compeletly different munticipality and cut her ties with all the people she know, just to forget the pain of not getting to Japan...

I have lost a few kilos now, which makes me happy. But it's still not enough, I mean 46 kg is just so gross, I want to become at least 2kg´s lighter. She told me that I was even thinner than the image I sent over to her cellphone a few weeks ago... That picture of a pretty, skinny girl... I wish that I'd become as thin as her. She was saying that I was thinner just to please me, I know that, everybody does it... Well fuck it. C~YA

Worry

I talked to her again today... My mother hasn't been feeling so well lately, it's because of her reumatism... She can't sleep at night... This makes me worried.. It was four o´clock in the morning when I called her to talk to her about this.. As usually she didn't get mad at me for waking her up... When I explained the situation for her, she told me that it was okay to be worried, but she also said that it wouldn't help my mother at all... That's true... If I worry about mother and don't sleep, then she'll become worried about me and stop sleeping even the short periods of time that she's sleeping now... Complicated...
Her (phone friend) mother had a cardiac infraction about five years ago... Must have been horrible to only be twelve years old and have to worry about if you mother will survive or not.. And to think, in the beginning nobody even told her why her mother was away, they just said "She's in the hospital, getting better".. and a few days after that she heard it from a almost complete stranger, when he asked her grandmother how her mother was doing, he said something like "hi.. I heard what happened to "the mother"... a heart attack right? How is her recovery going? It's really a relief to hear that she survived... We were so worried about her"... If you'd ask me I'd have scolded the grandmother right away... But she just kept silent as she always does... damn she's so hard to understand! why doesn't she say when she's feeling like crap?! Why doesn't she ever show her sad face to us others? Why does she only show her "happy", "sleepy" or "frustrated" moods... So emotionless... Even they aren't for real... pisses me off to think about this... well yeah. it sucks. eheheee. I got a comment on one of my posts earlier...--'' Ya' know if you're reading this... that comment didn't have anything to do with the actual post... and yes she is lonely, if you're her friend and haven't notised this, then you should start paying a bit more attention to her... by the way yes I did and do know that it's her greatest dream to become an exchange student in Japan.. It's just that sometimes she gets a bit too happy and lost in her dream world of happiness, so that she forgets about the reality that isn't a dance on roses. Then see you.

Feelings.

A person who can lie to oneself is lonely and agonizing. This is what she once told me... She said that people who are lonely create these invisible walls around them, to shelter themself from pain and suffering... They make themself imagine that nothing is wrong and that they're happy in their current state of mind. A person who hasn't been hurt for real could never understand the reason... the fear of being forced to go through that pain again... to have to suffer like that again.. It's too frightening to even think about. This is why most of the people doesn't understand these kind of persons... And in the end they often end up getting blamed on.. The people who say that it's their fault for not opening up, really are the worst. Those kind of people have never endured real pain... even if they think so. The thought of people like that makes me mad... people who think that they know and have been through everything... So annoying. If you think that your friend or acquaintance is going through these kind of feelings. Then don't ignore it, for a change try to listen to them... try to understand the fear inside of them and most of all don't judge them... No matter what the reason for their isolation is, do not judge them. that's a common mistake almost everyone does... thinking she's weird, stupid etc.. stupid people -.-

Vengeance.

#Before I'd realized it, I had given up on everything... Always thinking "whatever" or "bothersome", without even trying. The only thing that keeps me from falling into the depths of my mind is my dream, the goal I've set in my life... The future... I hope it'll... save me from myself..^-^''.. Man that sounded stupid...# This is what she once said. That person. Do you think it sounds stupid? Because I don't... Yesterday I had a chat with BabyFace, we or.. generally I, was talking about stuff that's going on in the life... I don't know the reason but she suddenly asked me not to write about her in my blog anymore... She said something like "too much trouble". First I thought that maybe it'd be better to compeletly stop bloging... But she'd only asked me not to write about Her... So I won't write about Her, but instead, some unamed persons... So that she doesn't have anything to worry, to be angry or bothered by... (or whatever her stupid reason may be)... I can't believe that she'd say something like that >:[ It somehow makes me angry..... Fuck that. I guess she's so pleased with her life now that she got accepted to the exchange year in Japan, that she doesn't need anybody to remind her of her true nature. Manikine that's what she is... Always so perfect on the surface, but yet so disturbed and lonley inside... Wonder if there'll ever be a person who really gets through to her? If there is, then I'd certainly want to meet her/him... If she keeps going on like this, her soul and mind will eventually become disturbed... If someone, then I know that for sure... Yeah. Now I'll be going. C~ya.

Future. Past. And everything between.

New year... huh... When I look back now, the gone year seems like a short breath... I remember the first day of -08. Didn't eat anything. A day of starvation... It was like a summary of the coming year. Starvation, vomiting and pain... Wonder how this year will turn out to be?...